Rain.

Rain. Supposedly its suppose to represent rebirth or cleansing. Also happens to me my favorite type of weather. Though today, I was not able to enjoy the rain much. I miss her. It has only been a day, but man, what a long day it has been. Throughout the day I was distracted, felt like crap, lonely. I do not know what else to do. I really do hope that we'll be able to fix this. This rain, doesn't happen often, but when it does, it seems like something happens at the time...eh. I hope this will end up fine. Just to listen to the rain drops now...

Bay Day 1

Start off: stayed up until 2 or 3am talking to cousins. I wasn't much in a sleeping mood because I felt bad that Angelica was irritated at me. I should have thought about that before hand. Eventually drifted off due to the fact I had to wake up early tomorrow for 7:30 mass. I woke up at 6am. HELLA early. The mass was dedicated to my grandfather who had just been cremated in the Philippines, though he has been dead for about 30. It was alright, first time in a while at a Catholic church, all good. Following that, returned back to the house in Dublin. Dad had to cook breakfast and such, just spent my time lounging. That was pretty much it the whole day: eating, lounging, talking to family. Took a quick nap around 4ish during the Niner/Steelers game, felt better when I woke up. However, even though there's all this food, I haven't eaten much. Ehhh, gaming at the end day before now. That was it. I wonder what else is there for instore tonight. One thing for certain, I miss Angelica incredibly right now...

Confliction.

I honestly cannot distinguish the differences and decisions that must be made and must not. How is one to determine the contrasts of thoughts and feelings a choose which side is correct? If you find out, let me know, yeah?

Perseverence

"Anything in life worth having is worth working for."

-Andrew Carnegie

We've been through so much together, so much happiness, sadness, sorrow, and joy. Though would you not say that it was all worth it? Love is such...is such a complicated and often fallacious emotion. But the joys it instills overshadows all doubts and grievances. You've sent me pages upon pages of quotes...alot of them work for us perfectly:

"I love you also means I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else."

"Distance is just a test to see how far love can travel."

"Distance between two people can mean so little, when they both care so much."

"What I have with her is worth it. It is worth every lonely night, every tear I cry from missing her, and the pain I feel from not having hers close. It is worth it because he is my one and only. When I picture myself years from now, I see only her. No matter how painful the distance is, not having her in my life would be so much worse."
"Love isn’t about the romantic nights or gifts. It isn’t about fireworks going off around you when you have that first real kiss. Love isn’t about kissing in the rain and dancing beneath the stars. It isn’t about the big moments or the big surprises. Love is not a fairytale. Love is about still having the butterflies after years. It’s about the second looks and laying in bed wide awake, all night, because you can’t go to sleep mad at each other. It’s about being willing to sacrifice, literally, everything for someone, just because you care so deeply for them. It’s not about buying them gifts, but it’s about leaving them little presents here and there, just to remind them that you are constantly thinking about them. Love is about all of the little things, that add up to really big things. Love is rare and special, but should not be treated as if it will break. Love needs to be thrown around and beat up a little bit, worn in, but not worn down. Love needs to be a comfortable feeling, a place to go when no one else in the world can relate. A safe place, where you know that no matter how ugly you look or how angry you are, you will still be loved."

"Love is not about perfection: it’s about imperfection and flaws and mistakes. it’s about the mess. love is an emotional train wreck, but i want the mess. i want the train wreck. there will be days when we are so tired of each other, when we want to throw in the towel and be done with it. there will be days when i want to wring your neck and you want to pull your hair out. sometimes i will drive you crazy, and sometimes you will annoy me to no end. we will fight and we will be frustrated. but we will also laugh and laugh and laugh. we’ll act like kids and have fun and never grow up. we will be enslaved by our passion for life and for each other. we’ll stay up late and talk about everything that makes us tick and all the things we wake up for. we’ll eat dessert first and kiss each other unexpectedly. we will explore new places and fall asleep together. fair warning—- i hog the covers and i like to cuddle and sometimes i snore. i will entwine my legs with yours and we’ll dream tangled in each other. it will be the best time of our lives, but it will be crazy and overpowering and and backwards and heart-wrenching and painful and happy all at once. it might be a messy, emotional train wreck. but we will live it. because without the train wreck, we’d never know pure, true, unencumbered, raw love. we’d never know real love.
so let’s survive it together."

Through it all, we're still here, still in love, and still going. We have our troubles, we have our arguments, we have our fallouts, but still after all of that, we still have our love. So much to say and all meant to be true, babe: I really do love you.
You are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

asdfghj

Getting mad for no viable reason.

Ikimasho

3 weeks in quick succession so far. Already I am excitingly counting down until break. There is still so much for me to fulfill. Trigonometry is a joke, the only thing worse than my teacher is my textbook, I can't learn anything from either. Besides the point, I am very satisfied with the "Evo's." Better than the Mid Hoopers at least. Work seems to pile up in humongous mounds before me as the days go by. The only point where it does seem to quell is when I have the opportunities to talk to Angelica. Makes everything progressively easier. I considerably wonder about the future. How it will turn out, what new options it will bring, and so on. The one thing I sincerely do hope for is that no matter what occurs, I will still have Angelica with me. There is so much shit we all have to go through in life that sometimes people lose their way, it helps to have someone there with you all the way. Having her, one who can see past all the flaws and garbage of myself and to genuinely find someone to love, is one of the greatest and important one to love I could ever hope to have or ask for. Regardless to how scary the future seems, as long as I'm with her, then the future looks so much and all the more brighter.
Nothing more truer than that. I love you, babe. :]

Stormy

A much delayed and needed post, I think:
Well...summer break is nearing its unfortunate end. So much has occurred in the previous weeks. Though through the recent comings, it is as if I have subtle doubts. There is so much turbulence within my subconscious... so much unnecessary conflict. Pain, doubt, confusion. All differential factors from multiple causes. I fear that will power and optimism alone will not be enough to recompose my mentality. I believe that the key to all of such salvation is the Lord above and her. I have come to realize I rely on her so much more than I had previously believed. Seems that she is what I require to instill and regain self-confidence. Through such anguish, and doubt, it is so simple how the solution relies on one so close. Such dependency to grow so quickly and how it creates a binding and crucial connection to another is often marveling. To think that one has a hold over another so powerfully and to not even realize that fact. Is acknowledging this fact mistaking weakness for strength or strength for weakness? Contemplative conflicting thoughts plague the mind. The solution resides closer than belief.

Everyday has the potential to result into some sort of good or bad outcome. It's the choices we make that seem to decide. I am certainly happy with most of the ones that have occurred so far. For nearly 9 months I've been with the beautifulest and most wonderful girl I have known. And since summer break started I have been able to spend much of my time with her. Haaaaaah.
Life is good.
For the first post in a long while, it is undesirably brief. But I am tired now, so I suppose it is time for me to sleep.

Overdue.

It has been a long hiatus, but I think I should add a little something right now. Meant for the one I love, this may hopefully serve as an explanation. All the feelings I experience from you... joyous, loving, excitement, "more" ;D, confusion, irritable, frustrated, flabbergasted, incredulously happy and an intense longing for you. Ever since that day we met (2nd time. xD) I knew immediately I was stricken for you. One of those cliched "love at first sight" situations indeed. I knew what I was getting into by asking you to take that chance as well. The fact that being from different schools alone (and not exactly close either) added on to the possibility of seeing one another once a week or longer had me worried at first. I had previously believed that because of those limitations we would be unable to grow close at all and those reasons would keep us seperated emotionally. As we can see though, that is not the case. :] We've grown so much closer because of those. It does indeed suck that we can not see each other all the time, but we realized the importance of the simple time we can have in one another's company. Emphasis on those that were taken for granted gives reason to cherish what we have. Similar are we to have the same fear: the fear that we won't have each other. The idea is ever-present in our thoughts, but it takes situations in which we go through like today for me to see how remote that possibility is. We feel so mad, apologetic, upset, depressing, etc... and we get some time to think about it depending on who hangs up. It gives that thoughts of how sorry we were to act so in the first place, that we'd try to do anything possible to fix it. And hey, it works, mm? No matter what fallouts we may have or arguements or any of the sort, it won't change any the way that I love you. I made you a promise, remember? Even if I hadn't, it was still a pledge I was going to keep. I'm not going to leave you. I'm yours for the rest of our time. I love you babe, with all my heart and every fiber of my being.

Heh...

It's amusing, is it not? The way a day can play itself out, starting off into a depressing spiral then taking an excruciatingly slow ascent to some sort of equilibrium in which everything seems like it will be alright. Then once more down turning itself into another abyssal plane where depression is more imminent than before. So much that goes on within the manner of 24 hours. A simple slip off life's precarious brink into the unknown and all of a sudden your surroundings look bleak and austere. Such a hold on one's heart...how can I help but despair? So much attempts at just retaining one's content. The risk and sacrifice taken to please. At times it seems it is just all for naught. Is it a common streak among others to have such a resolve to rebuff any other? Patience and love. That is what is there. Patience, so much patience. The uncertainty and uneasiness in an ever constant presence just with the mere indication of discontent. Questionings of such ability to relate at times in those minuscule voices of doubt indicating apprehension. Insinuations and comprehension. The guilt of it all. To be feel guilty yet not to have done anything of reason for such, that is the feeling. So much love and compassion. Perhaps I am too sympathetic? I sincerely hope not. Possibly just another of the bleak moments in which emotions catch the best of one. Though why does it feel like there's no bridge of comprehension? Is there no solution to solve such problem? I do not know, nor do I see so for being able to right now. Currently I am just praying for repairation of what was broken...

Progress.

Spring Break. Typically since my years in the South Bay the school schedule is something about being "year-round." When I first moved and heard about the school year being "year-round" I was horrified. But more so only because it sounded so horrible. Though now as I reflect upon it today I am sad to say that I will dearly miss the "year-round" schedule. This year will most likely be the last time I will ever get a full 4 weeks off from school. :[
Moving on. Starting from the 13th since break has started I pretty much have gotten nothing (productive-wise) done. Kudos to me, eh. The 3rd of the 4 weeks has just began, so it does give me some time to do what I need to do. Yesterday was a pretty decent way to start off the week. Beginning in the early hours of the day I was able to spend some quality time on the phone. ;D Later on I was able to talk to the loveliest girl I know for pretty much the whole day. And then during the early evening hours I got to hang out with the organization for a bit of quality time. More like eating giant pizza and seeing who could eat the most, hah. But hey, its all the same. Quote of the week? "It was HILLLLLLLARIOUS."
Time to start the rest of this week productive...

Doubt

Doubt.
I hate this word, I sincerely do. It entitles fear, questionability, and just a whole numerous amount of negative and pessimistic feelings. It comes and goes, sometimes it dwells in my thoughts for a while. Though never did I ever even think on brooding upon it. I would not let it get to me. However, not everyone can say so easily...
I love Angelica. I honestly and truthfully say so without any doubt what so ever. At times have I doubted us? No. But I do fear. Not doubt, but change. Change in which I would be restricted from her. In this sleepless trance I do call distraught, I now think... Babe, this next part is just for you.
I reacted pretty frantically earlier. Somewhat panicked, I tried to assure you the best that I can. Damn my stupid questions! Helplessness...at this whole situation caused by me. Seems as if I may cause many situations, hmm? Doubt is easy to feel, especially in a distance-like relationship as ours. You once told me a week agos, "i sadly doubt us when i get fustrated and sad. i think of why i’m with you.. i forget why when im emotional and i’m sorry ]:<" When I had first read that, I felt crushed inside, was as if all my deepest fears and everything that we had worked for suddenly fell apart. However the rest of that bit suddenly changed everything, "but when im with you im reminded of why i’ve been with you for 5months and 1 day. and dont worry about me saying “we need a break” or “i need space” i know i can’t do that. i’m glad that i have someone as sweet as you. i’m so lucky to have you. you’re the bestest boyfriend ever. you are my mornings, days, and nights. dont know what i would be doing if you we werent together. you make my days better. i dont plan on leaving you anytime soon. i’m way to attached to you. well i hope to be with you for a really long time(: thank you for everything you’ve done for me and everything you will do for me. i miss you every day you not here with me. i love you." In such a short time you brought reassurance to not only yourself but to me as well. But then I somewhat wonder, does that mean that the only way to fix your doubt is for me to physically be there? If possible, I would go to you every single day. But we both know that is not a possibility, at least not yet. We just have to wait some time a bit longer, babe. I do not know what the future may bring...but love, we hold that future in our hands. We can shape it as we would want and if we still work toward it, we can make a lifelong lasting relationship. This I am sure. These times, these "rough patches" we run into now, would be something to bring us even closer if we can get through them. We have our entire lives still ahead of us, my love, why should some doubt bring us down for today when we still have the rest of our lives to set up our happiness? To be able to spend my life with you is the greatest wish I can ever ask for. I pray to God that we would always have each other. I wish every night that we will endure. And as I spend time with you, I feel as if every single wish, prayer, and desire has been answered. Because with you, Angelica, it is like spending time in heaven itself. You are the love of my life, the light in life's darkness, my reason for happiness, the other half of my heart, and undoubtedly the most beautiful, loveliest, bestest girl I can ever be blessed to call the one I love.
I love you Angelica Margallo Patron, oh so truly and deeply do I say so as I wish to be able to spend a long and fulfilling life always by your side.

"I Wanna Call It Love..."

"Love"...hah. Such a subject so debatable to anyone it may come across. Truly, how does one know he or she is in this "love"? Such a question was one I have searched for as long as I have remembered. Through experience as a subject and maybe even "victim" to cupid's arrow, I think that point of epiphany has been realized. In such a concept, the word "love" is used throughout our society as a common word. Almost as such that I believe that the meaning has been degraded over time. Heard in music, media, culture...whatever you can name. However, finding what "love" truly means is by interpretation of the individual. Though put into a common placeholder use, "love" is, by no means, a simple concept. It took 17 years of my life to just even find the slightest taste of that blissful and heavenly emotion. As if every action, decision, consequence, etc... taken in this lifetime was just a preparation to finding it. I believe that "love" is not just one single object in its entirely,but more so as it is encountered.
Seen as highly significant to finding what the meaning is, a parents' "love" seems to know no bounds. A parents' "love' for their child impresses upon the traits of affection, protection, that sense of pride, and such an everlasting commitment that regardless of any issue, a parent will do all they can for their child. In this dedication, you may or may not realize the importance of this. One may go through their entire life and not understand how much they are really loved. The way a child is to parents is not just only because you are their child and they HAVE to care for you, no. Literally, you were a part of both of them and the culmination of that bond. There is a connection, that living bond between you and them that no one else can have.
Finding "love" is honestly a complicated search. Such a journey is always of questionable length with many "roadsigns" telling you your destination is close. Truly one may never know at times. How one would realize when "love" is imminently "in the air" is completely by their own realization. Honestly, I did not think I was ready for such a feeling. Fear of not knowing where it would be or knowing when it would happen was in part to the reluctance. I formally and naively believed "love" was simply that highest point of feelings towards an individual. Now I can see why. Now...today...months ago...since this time I've been with this wonderful, beautiful, intimate, thoughtful, blissful...perfect...woman named Angelica Margallo Patron, I found that every requiring, necessary concept to say I was in "love" was all that I have felt towards her. A dedication to her alone, an everlasting commitment towards her, a full and complete trust in her, the assurance that you can be open (intimate or not), that constant yearn for her presence, not for physical reasons, but more so that you can just be right by her side; finding that reason to always fight for her, and finding that you can be genuinely happy with her. Just to name a few, there is so much more to say though those traits can suffice. Through all this time I spent finding "love" the irony of it was that it was in front of me the whole time, too bad it took me a while to realize that.
I love you, Angelica Margallo Patron. So surely, devotedly, dearly and lovingly do I say so. Regardless of whatever hardship time my induce upon us, I am entirely dedicated to you and I pray, God willing, I can spend the rest of my time on this world and the next with you.

Because babe: " I think we've got something special
Girl, you and me together will take over the world
You know I love you
I need your soul
So happy I just want to let everybody know
Know I need you baby, I love you"

Time and Time Again

Five months ago marked an important date. Five months later, here I am happily here to say I am grateful for every single day since then. The reason to why? Maybe this bottom portion will enlighten...


Happy 5 Months, love!
Thank you for 5 months of happiness, joy, and helping me discover my love for you. Throughout all these hectic days we call life, through all those times we go through pain, hurt, and all forms of distress, I do not regret a single day since those 5 months ago that I have been able to call you "my love." I apologize for all the times I make you angry and sad. I apologize for all my negative input during those times. I thank you though, for still being able to put through it all and still find reason for us to be together. As the time goes by, my love for you will not falter, it will only grow more as I continually find more and more reasons to fall in love with you. There was a time where you said, "okay well id have to say you are the best boy ive ever liked(: your the goodest sweetest boy ever. out of all the boys ive liked you've got to be the best boy for me. and you've topped them all already. no lie. and i like you more then you probably know(= and if i ever hurt you in any way id never forgive myself"
and to that I would have to say something similar. You are the bestest girl I have ever been given the opportunity to know and I am so grateful to have met you, to like you, to have fallen in love with you. You are the prettiest, loveliest, and the wonderfulistingbeautifulist girls I would be able to find out there on this whole big and blue world. And all through this time I find it harder and harder to imagine myself without you. Why? Because you, Angelica Margallo Patron, are the love of my life, the reason why I can say I am happy, and the only one to possess my heart. Whatever opportunities or fate or whatever special destiny God has in store, I sincerely hope that it would mean spending the rest of my time by your side.
You truly, deeply, sincerely have all my love as it is offered.
Happy 5 Months, love!

Questionability

This whole damn week...its something of a stress stimulator. In more ways then one do I find reason to say, "FUCK THIS!!" and to quit. Academically it is as if my teachers all had some sort of secret collaboration and plotted this whole gruesome day-to-day torture. Reason is had to find in ways to hold up against this barrage of emotions and wave of stress. Y et here I still am, struggling against the tide, trying so desperately to stand, as a testament to an ever-weary adamant will. It is simply half way through this week and yet still so much has occurred. The greatest desire sought to is often the one that is the more elusive. No matter how much shit falls in your face, one must find reason to persevere on in hope for better light. I found my light, I know where it is, the hardest part of it is jumping over all the obstacles obscuring it from me. Since the night before, it seems like I have just lost heart in some aspects. It is as if there is so much more weight and a larger pressure not only pushing down, but constricting. So much heaviness, so hard to see what others can have for themselves and know that you cannot have the same. How much time must go by and I have to sit through all the shit that happens every damn day. There has not been a point in time since, in which there was no cease to such form of unending thoughts. The stream that flows with little regard of actions, of sense, of any damned reaction to feelings. Questionability. Ever-present thoughts overshadowing the consciousness, oh why so do they hurt?

Another Day

Man, its just another one of those days, you know? Those days where those things that you hole up inside you just release themselves. When that everlasting monotony that you call daily life reaches a point in which you discover how depressing boring and sad your day-to-day basis is. You often find yourself missing what you are missing. In a more direct case, the one you love. Look all around you and you see many individuals besides your own. I find such bleak thought upon the fact that many of them take what they have for granted. No heartfelt realization, deus ex machina, or even an epiphany from above has them figure out how lucky they've got it. Simple proof from a couple days ago show the point from both perspectives. Truly that person is happier with now than before...
More so than naught. Weekly basis of the set examples upon physical encounters vary. The event lies upon a precipice, leaning to one side or another with very little regard of what occurs. Oh so sweet bliss that seems to escape such desire. Tis truly an experience to live as the occurrences that have passed. For an unspecified and forgotten length, happiness was sought in so many places. Though it has been found, is the cost for such happiness the length of time we must wait just to exemplify our time? Everywhere around we see it, everywhere around has reason to cause dismay. You curse, spite, and glare at times, knowing the cost of those and their cause for joy is there to see right in front of themselves. The despair of it all, that cause for dismay and disheartened sense. I can only find one that can relate... the irony of it all. My biggest counsel and one of my closest supports. Such there was a time where feelings were just a quite ways different. We cannot but help to sympathize. I truly hope, wish, and pray that these times in which the pessimism of it all encompasses one's consciousness will pass in soon due time. An incomplete heart longing for its reunion with its other half...such times are too short to behold.

Kaishi.

Here goes a new month... just barely 4 days in and already it seems busy. -_____-;
As it is, it had been a mediocre start. Oh well, I guess it can't be helped. In attempt to fulfill all my duties, it's like I've staggered my way into so many different situations. I really hope this is just a one time experience, I think I've learned what should have been so. Well, there is no use on dwelling on some things, over time one learns to dispel such brooding thoughts and just go on with what you will...
And so on and so forth: March of 2009 is revealing to be a very conspicuous and questioning month. Looks like I'm just going to have to just go along for the ride, because asking questions or doing some digging is not going to cut it. Questions, questions, questions. Might as well just to let the conscience wander, no use in dwelling on this either. It just leaves one to wonder though...what could the thought possibly be? I think this is going to be stuck for a bit. -____-;
Moving on! --------------> I am pretty satisfied to how other bits are working out and falling into place. Finally, I can balance successfully. It took alot of juggling, but now there seems to be a state of equilibrium. As Matt would say, "GG."
Finally, the 12th is coming up and I don't know what to do, this would mark #5. So much time, though it seems so much longer. I think it's her pick anyway. :D
And here's to a good month...

Reflection

Its been a while...and all time since then has brought more thoughts and revelation than naught. Upon this day, to be shown the course of some events, the irony of it all. Had it spurn some sort of past feeling of remorse or nostalgia. No more true longing do I have for that one. More of satisfaction knowing happiness has been found, more so in a twist unseen. Perhaps out of prejudice, out of jealously, and perhaps even fear; had I been stuck for so long. Unable to see light as it was, slowly but steadily climbing myself out of a hole dug, meant to keep me there to teach me what it was to experience true pain of loss. As progressed, I had been unable to see the end of such a long stretch. Thrown with support of those I never thought would happen or more so than it happened than when I would wish for so though it would not. Truly so that one would have to work for what love would be available in the places least expected. In the way of, "out of the blue," I had found that form of happiness and love sought in previous experience. Upon looking at the former today, I came to a slight shock and small nostalgia. A hug flashed such memories not remembered in quite a while. In comparison from then to now, I feel life in better sense has been so much more greater and fulfilling. Not that I am not thankful for what was learned, experienced, felt...all of which are some that to keep forever, to remember not as longing or nostalgia, but of true experience and brief phases of what was preparing me for today.
All in all, thank you...for everything you had done for me, such memories are one to behold in light, knowing that the heart was able to indulge with others and breaking down mental and emotional barriers for others to experience. I had found the meaning to love, to cherish, to protect, and at times, to fear.
And to the present, knowing now that finding the completeness for not one but two is harder than seemingly said, for the next length in time, my deepest hopes is that time between so shall endure in the following decades to come. If the lord God may be willed, then I ask for it to be so, for love for you is nothing short of all feelings capable in feeling for another.

Repetitive Frustration

How many times must this happen? Every month? Every day? Perhaps on a more weekly basis. The ideas, it comforts somewhat, but ultimately the true question remains, "What if it doesn't work here was already time to talk, now its time for action. Though the actions taken seem to less effective as it helps the opposite cause. Being told many supportive the way you said?" Not that anyone else to blame would be there except for me. Inexplicably the cause of mostly all the resulting tensions, how much more is there before and end is cut? I would do anything for her sake, yet that doesn't seem to assist anymore if communication becomes a problem. As previously stated, tis no fault but my own. She was gone for such a long time-

For now, I shall leave this unfinished with the hope things do not finish.

Contemplative Cloudiness

The inconsistency of today's weather did no contribution to the ever recurring thoughts. To further find that dreams are to symbolize a meaning within the subconsciousness, whether obvious or not, bring no satisfaction at all. In an attempt to rid myself of such brooding thoughts I continually found myself in wonder with the nature of those around me. The diversity of personalities and traits seen within just our small circle of friends is astounding. No matter where you look, there is just a wide array of personalities. Every single one of them are different in their own rights, yet those differences also interconnect to one another, more or less. It's slightly amusing at times...
Mirroring the ever shifting clouds, my mental state seemed to be in question as thoughts zoomed from one end to another. Continually staring in a certain direction, I found myself perplexed. I felt disgusted and disoriented. I've been unable to determine what the cause has been. Knowing where my heart lies is not enough, not if my attachment will cause issues. In questioning the motives for such an action, the next question that would follow was always, "Could you do better?" I fear that I shall be unable to conquer this ever growing feeling...however I can not let it impede upon what I have already been striving for.
Well? Here we go...

"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action."

-Benjamin Disraeli