Progress.

Spring Break. Typically since my years in the South Bay the school schedule is something about being "year-round." When I first moved and heard about the school year being "year-round" I was horrified. But more so only because it sounded so horrible. Though now as I reflect upon it today I am sad to say that I will dearly miss the "year-round" schedule. This year will most likely be the last time I will ever get a full 4 weeks off from school. :[
Moving on. Starting from the 13th since break has started I pretty much have gotten nothing (productive-wise) done. Kudos to me, eh. The 3rd of the 4 weeks has just began, so it does give me some time to do what I need to do. Yesterday was a pretty decent way to start off the week. Beginning in the early hours of the day I was able to spend some quality time on the phone. ;D Later on I was able to talk to the loveliest girl I know for pretty much the whole day. And then during the early evening hours I got to hang out with the organization for a bit of quality time. More like eating giant pizza and seeing who could eat the most, hah. But hey, its all the same. Quote of the week? "It was HILLLLLLLARIOUS."
Time to start the rest of this week productive...

Doubt

Doubt.
I hate this word, I sincerely do. It entitles fear, questionability, and just a whole numerous amount of negative and pessimistic feelings. It comes and goes, sometimes it dwells in my thoughts for a while. Though never did I ever even think on brooding upon it. I would not let it get to me. However, not everyone can say so easily...
I love Angelica. I honestly and truthfully say so without any doubt what so ever. At times have I doubted us? No. But I do fear. Not doubt, but change. Change in which I would be restricted from her. In this sleepless trance I do call distraught, I now think... Babe, this next part is just for you.
I reacted pretty frantically earlier. Somewhat panicked, I tried to assure you the best that I can. Damn my stupid questions! Helplessness...at this whole situation caused by me. Seems as if I may cause many situations, hmm? Doubt is easy to feel, especially in a distance-like relationship as ours. You once told me a week agos, "i sadly doubt us when i get fustrated and sad. i think of why i’m with you.. i forget why when im emotional and i’m sorry ]:<" When I had first read that, I felt crushed inside, was as if all my deepest fears and everything that we had worked for suddenly fell apart. However the rest of that bit suddenly changed everything, "but when im with you im reminded of why i’ve been with you for 5months and 1 day. and dont worry about me saying “we need a break” or “i need space” i know i can’t do that. i’m glad that i have someone as sweet as you. i’m so lucky to have you. you’re the bestest boyfriend ever. you are my mornings, days, and nights. dont know what i would be doing if you we werent together. you make my days better. i dont plan on leaving you anytime soon. i’m way to attached to you. well i hope to be with you for a really long time(: thank you for everything you’ve done for me and everything you will do for me. i miss you every day you not here with me. i love you." In such a short time you brought reassurance to not only yourself but to me as well. But then I somewhat wonder, does that mean that the only way to fix your doubt is for me to physically be there? If possible, I would go to you every single day. But we both know that is not a possibility, at least not yet. We just have to wait some time a bit longer, babe. I do not know what the future may bring...but love, we hold that future in our hands. We can shape it as we would want and if we still work toward it, we can make a lifelong lasting relationship. This I am sure. These times, these "rough patches" we run into now, would be something to bring us even closer if we can get through them. We have our entire lives still ahead of us, my love, why should some doubt bring us down for today when we still have the rest of our lives to set up our happiness? To be able to spend my life with you is the greatest wish I can ever ask for. I pray to God that we would always have each other. I wish every night that we will endure. And as I spend time with you, I feel as if every single wish, prayer, and desire has been answered. Because with you, Angelica, it is like spending time in heaven itself. You are the love of my life, the light in life's darkness, my reason for happiness, the other half of my heart, and undoubtedly the most beautiful, loveliest, bestest girl I can ever be blessed to call the one I love.
I love you Angelica Margallo Patron, oh so truly and deeply do I say so as I wish to be able to spend a long and fulfilling life always by your side.

"I Wanna Call It Love..."

"Love"...hah. Such a subject so debatable to anyone it may come across. Truly, how does one know he or she is in this "love"? Such a question was one I have searched for as long as I have remembered. Through experience as a subject and maybe even "victim" to cupid's arrow, I think that point of epiphany has been realized. In such a concept, the word "love" is used throughout our society as a common word. Almost as such that I believe that the meaning has been degraded over time. Heard in music, media, culture...whatever you can name. However, finding what "love" truly means is by interpretation of the individual. Though put into a common placeholder use, "love" is, by no means, a simple concept. It took 17 years of my life to just even find the slightest taste of that blissful and heavenly emotion. As if every action, decision, consequence, etc... taken in this lifetime was just a preparation to finding it. I believe that "love" is not just one single object in its entirely,but more so as it is encountered.
Seen as highly significant to finding what the meaning is, a parents' "love" seems to know no bounds. A parents' "love' for their child impresses upon the traits of affection, protection, that sense of pride, and such an everlasting commitment that regardless of any issue, a parent will do all they can for their child. In this dedication, you may or may not realize the importance of this. One may go through their entire life and not understand how much they are really loved. The way a child is to parents is not just only because you are their child and they HAVE to care for you, no. Literally, you were a part of both of them and the culmination of that bond. There is a connection, that living bond between you and them that no one else can have.
Finding "love" is honestly a complicated search. Such a journey is always of questionable length with many "roadsigns" telling you your destination is close. Truly one may never know at times. How one would realize when "love" is imminently "in the air" is completely by their own realization. Honestly, I did not think I was ready for such a feeling. Fear of not knowing where it would be or knowing when it would happen was in part to the reluctance. I formally and naively believed "love" was simply that highest point of feelings towards an individual. Now I can see why. Now...today...months ago...since this time I've been with this wonderful, beautiful, intimate, thoughtful, blissful...perfect...woman named Angelica Margallo Patron, I found that every requiring, necessary concept to say I was in "love" was all that I have felt towards her. A dedication to her alone, an everlasting commitment towards her, a full and complete trust in her, the assurance that you can be open (intimate or not), that constant yearn for her presence, not for physical reasons, but more so that you can just be right by her side; finding that reason to always fight for her, and finding that you can be genuinely happy with her. Just to name a few, there is so much more to say though those traits can suffice. Through all this time I spent finding "love" the irony of it was that it was in front of me the whole time, too bad it took me a while to realize that.
I love you, Angelica Margallo Patron. So surely, devotedly, dearly and lovingly do I say so. Regardless of whatever hardship time my induce upon us, I am entirely dedicated to you and I pray, God willing, I can spend the rest of my time on this world and the next with you.

Because babe: " I think we've got something special
Girl, you and me together will take over the world
You know I love you
I need your soul
So happy I just want to let everybody know
Know I need you baby, I love you"

Time and Time Again

Five months ago marked an important date. Five months later, here I am happily here to say I am grateful for every single day since then. The reason to why? Maybe this bottom portion will enlighten...


Happy 5 Months, love!
Thank you for 5 months of happiness, joy, and helping me discover my love for you. Throughout all these hectic days we call life, through all those times we go through pain, hurt, and all forms of distress, I do not regret a single day since those 5 months ago that I have been able to call you "my love." I apologize for all the times I make you angry and sad. I apologize for all my negative input during those times. I thank you though, for still being able to put through it all and still find reason for us to be together. As the time goes by, my love for you will not falter, it will only grow more as I continually find more and more reasons to fall in love with you. There was a time where you said, "okay well id have to say you are the best boy ive ever liked(: your the goodest sweetest boy ever. out of all the boys ive liked you've got to be the best boy for me. and you've topped them all already. no lie. and i like you more then you probably know(= and if i ever hurt you in any way id never forgive myself"
and to that I would have to say something similar. You are the bestest girl I have ever been given the opportunity to know and I am so grateful to have met you, to like you, to have fallen in love with you. You are the prettiest, loveliest, and the wonderfulistingbeautifulist girls I would be able to find out there on this whole big and blue world. And all through this time I find it harder and harder to imagine myself without you. Why? Because you, Angelica Margallo Patron, are the love of my life, the reason why I can say I am happy, and the only one to possess my heart. Whatever opportunities or fate or whatever special destiny God has in store, I sincerely hope that it would mean spending the rest of my time by your side.
You truly, deeply, sincerely have all my love as it is offered.
Happy 5 Months, love!

Questionability

This whole damn week...its something of a stress stimulator. In more ways then one do I find reason to say, "FUCK THIS!!" and to quit. Academically it is as if my teachers all had some sort of secret collaboration and plotted this whole gruesome day-to-day torture. Reason is had to find in ways to hold up against this barrage of emotions and wave of stress. Y et here I still am, struggling against the tide, trying so desperately to stand, as a testament to an ever-weary adamant will. It is simply half way through this week and yet still so much has occurred. The greatest desire sought to is often the one that is the more elusive. No matter how much shit falls in your face, one must find reason to persevere on in hope for better light. I found my light, I know where it is, the hardest part of it is jumping over all the obstacles obscuring it from me. Since the night before, it seems like I have just lost heart in some aspects. It is as if there is so much more weight and a larger pressure not only pushing down, but constricting. So much heaviness, so hard to see what others can have for themselves and know that you cannot have the same. How much time must go by and I have to sit through all the shit that happens every damn day. There has not been a point in time since, in which there was no cease to such form of unending thoughts. The stream that flows with little regard of actions, of sense, of any damned reaction to feelings. Questionability. Ever-present thoughts overshadowing the consciousness, oh why so do they hurt?

Another Day

Man, its just another one of those days, you know? Those days where those things that you hole up inside you just release themselves. When that everlasting monotony that you call daily life reaches a point in which you discover how depressing boring and sad your day-to-day basis is. You often find yourself missing what you are missing. In a more direct case, the one you love. Look all around you and you see many individuals besides your own. I find such bleak thought upon the fact that many of them take what they have for granted. No heartfelt realization, deus ex machina, or even an epiphany from above has them figure out how lucky they've got it. Simple proof from a couple days ago show the point from both perspectives. Truly that person is happier with now than before...
More so than naught. Weekly basis of the set examples upon physical encounters vary. The event lies upon a precipice, leaning to one side or another with very little regard of what occurs. Oh so sweet bliss that seems to escape such desire. Tis truly an experience to live as the occurrences that have passed. For an unspecified and forgotten length, happiness was sought in so many places. Though it has been found, is the cost for such happiness the length of time we must wait just to exemplify our time? Everywhere around we see it, everywhere around has reason to cause dismay. You curse, spite, and glare at times, knowing the cost of those and their cause for joy is there to see right in front of themselves. The despair of it all, that cause for dismay and disheartened sense. I can only find one that can relate... the irony of it all. My biggest counsel and one of my closest supports. Such there was a time where feelings were just a quite ways different. We cannot but help to sympathize. I truly hope, wish, and pray that these times in which the pessimism of it all encompasses one's consciousness will pass in soon due time. An incomplete heart longing for its reunion with its other half...such times are too short to behold.

Kaishi.

Here goes a new month... just barely 4 days in and already it seems busy. -_____-;
As it is, it had been a mediocre start. Oh well, I guess it can't be helped. In attempt to fulfill all my duties, it's like I've staggered my way into so many different situations. I really hope this is just a one time experience, I think I've learned what should have been so. Well, there is no use on dwelling on some things, over time one learns to dispel such brooding thoughts and just go on with what you will...
And so on and so forth: March of 2009 is revealing to be a very conspicuous and questioning month. Looks like I'm just going to have to just go along for the ride, because asking questions or doing some digging is not going to cut it. Questions, questions, questions. Might as well just to let the conscience wander, no use in dwelling on this either. It just leaves one to wonder though...what could the thought possibly be? I think this is going to be stuck for a bit. -____-;
Moving on! --------------> I am pretty satisfied to how other bits are working out and falling into place. Finally, I can balance successfully. It took alot of juggling, but now there seems to be a state of equilibrium. As Matt would say, "GG."
Finally, the 12th is coming up and I don't know what to do, this would mark #5. So much time, though it seems so much longer. I think it's her pick anyway. :D
And here's to a good month...