UPDATE!

Dynasty Warriors Gundam 3 <3

Restless Nights

It's 4 am and I'm sitting here in bed restless and unable to sleep. I'm sorry for what I had said to you...they were said out of anger and spite rather compassion and care. Because of my disregard and allowing my anger to take hold I ended up creating a rift between us. 2 days gone and rather than feeling better as time progresses, I feel gradually feel worse and worse. Your happiness and love is what I live for. I simply want to make you happy. I allowed my irritant behavior to take the best of me, I still have so much to learn. You were able to point out contradictions to what I was saying, I'm not a very good reasoner when emotionally distracted. I said most of the negative things out of ill feelings and had no true intent on it. I personally and fully accept the guilt and blame for what's happening; I couldn't control my emotions, I'm sorry you had to suffer because of that. I sincerely apologize for what I did...no amount of explaining can express my huge sense of guilt and sorrow. More so than anything, I shouldn't have said anything knowing I was angry, I never wanted to hurt or criticize you to begin with. What I was saying about you not loving me and our time spent together not meaning much if you decided to leave...I'm sorry for that as well. I know you care, I know you love me; I had just gotten so frustrated that I blew the issue out of proportion. I hope you'll never doubt my commitment, I will always love you no matter what; I will neither abandon nor forsake you, I'm here to stay. Even if we go through trying circumstances and struggles, and though I may not know the outcome, I can assure you that you will ALWAYS have to me persevere and accompany you. You are the first woman I've come to say I "love", and I don't love easily. When going through everyday without you it is as life the minutes, hours, and days just pass by in a chaotic and hectic fashion. Like I'm unable to fully grasp any moment of time because as soon as it arrives the moment passes. Though when I'm with you...I experience a blissful, calming sense of peace as if all the chaos and speed of time disappeared; time itself seems to slow and for the moments I lay, cuddle, or embrace you, the world honestly feels like everything is how it should be. It's in those moments where I constantly realize my love for you is true. I'm never one to be to big on buying fancy things or expensive items, as you know by now, I prefer the little things. It's the brief tranquil moments with each other that matter the most. Because no matter what is happening during those moments, we both know it's you and me, right there and then, loving each other and another's embrace. I don't know how else to illustrate this...had I be given the choice to sacrifice anything for you, including myself, it would be given without a moments hesitation. Realizing the importance of another over oneself is, what I believe, the greatest sign of love an individual can give; and I can promise you, that option is always a possibility to me. As your boyfriend, I feel obligated to be responsible for your happiness and your future; as your future can be affected greatly by my influence. Not only am I responsible for that, but as the man I also must be cautious as I also feel responsible for holding us together. Maybe I'm taking too much responsibility or a "bigger bite than I could chew." But either way, I feel that I need to take charge in that. I've been so restless because of my inability to resolve the issue I created...I want you to by happy, I want to hear you laugh, I want to hear the excitement and the happiness in your voice that I've gotten so accustomed to fall in love with. I can't expect you to forgive me...though I hope you will be able to. But whatever happens, don't ever forget I won't ever stop loving you...

With love and care,
Adrian.

Coincidental?

Possibly a coincidence considering that another problem has arisen just when a storm rolls in? What's up with that? I find that somewhat ironic that even though I love the occurrence of rain, that typically coincides with problems with the one whom I love. Lately, I've been somewhat obsessed with that cover of The Beatles song, "All You Need Is Love." Honestly, it is an accurate musical rendition of what I see as the simple solution to problems...love. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up, with perspective to the reoccurring issues, I have to find a way to change. I need to if I want to keep her.

Rain.

Rain. Supposedly its suppose to represent rebirth or cleansing. Also happens to me my favorite type of weather. Though today, I was not able to enjoy the rain much. I miss her. It has only been a day, but man, what a long day it has been. Throughout the day I was distracted, felt like crap, lonely. I do not know what else to do. I really do hope that we'll be able to fix this. This rain, doesn't happen often, but when it does, it seems like something happens at the time...eh. I hope this will end up fine. Just to listen to the rain drops now...

Bay Day 1

Start off: stayed up until 2 or 3am talking to cousins. I wasn't much in a sleeping mood because I felt bad that Angelica was irritated at me. I should have thought about that before hand. Eventually drifted off due to the fact I had to wake up early tomorrow for 7:30 mass. I woke up at 6am. HELLA early. The mass was dedicated to my grandfather who had just been cremated in the Philippines, though he has been dead for about 30. It was alright, first time in a while at a Catholic church, all good. Following that, returned back to the house in Dublin. Dad had to cook breakfast and such, just spent my time lounging. That was pretty much it the whole day: eating, lounging, talking to family. Took a quick nap around 4ish during the Niner/Steelers game, felt better when I woke up. However, even though there's all this food, I haven't eaten much. Ehhh, gaming at the end day before now. That was it. I wonder what else is there for instore tonight. One thing for certain, I miss Angelica incredibly right now...

Confliction.

I honestly cannot distinguish the differences and decisions that must be made and must not. How is one to determine the contrasts of thoughts and feelings a choose which side is correct? If you find out, let me know, yeah?

Perseverence

"Anything in life worth having is worth working for."

-Andrew Carnegie

We've been through so much together, so much happiness, sadness, sorrow, and joy. Though would you not say that it was all worth it? Love is such...is such a complicated and often fallacious emotion. But the joys it instills overshadows all doubts and grievances. You've sent me pages upon pages of quotes...alot of them work for us perfectly:

"I love you also means I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else."

"Distance is just a test to see how far love can travel."

"Distance between two people can mean so little, when they both care so much."

"What I have with her is worth it. It is worth every lonely night, every tear I cry from missing her, and the pain I feel from not having hers close. It is worth it because he is my one and only. When I picture myself years from now, I see only her. No matter how painful the distance is, not having her in my life would be so much worse."
"Love isn’t about the romantic nights or gifts. It isn’t about fireworks going off around you when you have that first real kiss. Love isn’t about kissing in the rain and dancing beneath the stars. It isn’t about the big moments or the big surprises. Love is not a fairytale. Love is about still having the butterflies after years. It’s about the second looks and laying in bed wide awake, all night, because you can’t go to sleep mad at each other. It’s about being willing to sacrifice, literally, everything for someone, just because you care so deeply for them. It’s not about buying them gifts, but it’s about leaving them little presents here and there, just to remind them that you are constantly thinking about them. Love is about all of the little things, that add up to really big things. Love is rare and special, but should not be treated as if it will break. Love needs to be thrown around and beat up a little bit, worn in, but not worn down. Love needs to be a comfortable feeling, a place to go when no one else in the world can relate. A safe place, where you know that no matter how ugly you look or how angry you are, you will still be loved."

"Love is not about perfection: it’s about imperfection and flaws and mistakes. it’s about the mess. love is an emotional train wreck, but i want the mess. i want the train wreck. there will be days when we are so tired of each other, when we want to throw in the towel and be done with it. there will be days when i want to wring your neck and you want to pull your hair out. sometimes i will drive you crazy, and sometimes you will annoy me to no end. we will fight and we will be frustrated. but we will also laugh and laugh and laugh. we’ll act like kids and have fun and never grow up. we will be enslaved by our passion for life and for each other. we’ll stay up late and talk about everything that makes us tick and all the things we wake up for. we’ll eat dessert first and kiss each other unexpectedly. we will explore new places and fall asleep together. fair warning—- i hog the covers and i like to cuddle and sometimes i snore. i will entwine my legs with yours and we’ll dream tangled in each other. it will be the best time of our lives, but it will be crazy and overpowering and and backwards and heart-wrenching and painful and happy all at once. it might be a messy, emotional train wreck. but we will live it. because without the train wreck, we’d never know pure, true, unencumbered, raw love. we’d never know real love.
so let’s survive it together."

Through it all, we're still here, still in love, and still going. We have our troubles, we have our arguments, we have our fallouts, but still after all of that, we still have our love. So much to say and all meant to be true, babe: I really do love you.
You are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.